#3 : Critique of the Business Letter
5 May 2006
NUR FAIDAH BTE HASSAN
425 JURONG WEST AVENUE 1
#02-372
SINGAPORE 640425
Recommended Admission to School of Physical & Mathematical Sciences (SPMS)
NUR FAIDAH BTE HASSAN
425 JURONG WEST AVENUE 1
#02-372
SINGAPORE 640425
Recommended Admission to School of Physical & Mathematical Sciences (SPMS)
Dear NUR FAIDAH BTE HASSAN,
Congratulations on your remarkable achievements in the GCE ‘A’ Level Examination!
You have been recommended for admission into the course of Mathematical Sciences in SPMS, NTU. You should have received the official letter of offer from Office of Admissions (OAD) by now.
SPMS is the only science school in Singapore that offers Direct Honours Degree Programmes. At SPMS, you will learn about the business of science and mathematics, as well as the science and mathematics for business. We believe that an education in science and mathematics, with emphasis on analytical, quantitative and communication skills, provides a solid foundation for entry into many careers as well as for innovation and enterprise.
We have built up excellent laboratory facilities for both teaching and research, and we take pride in our strong and student-friendly programmes where professors emphasize student-focused learning. You will learn a lot at SPMS and develop into a confident student ready to take on the challenges of the future workplace and many possible careers ahead, some of which we can’t even define today.
Coming up next, we are organizing a welcome party exclusively for you on 13 May (Sat), 10.30am at NTU campus. The invitation letter to the welcome party is enclosed for RSVP. While preparing yourself to join us @ SPMS, please feel free to contact our administrators for assistance:
Miss Regina Chia: (65) xxxxxxxx E-mail: xxx@ntu.edu.sg
Miss Lee Wei Fen: (65) xxxxxxxx E-mail: xxx@ntu.edu.sg
See you!
Yours sincerely,
For Professor Leung Pak Hing
Vice Dean (Academics)
Encl. Invitation Letter for Special Admission Talk and Welcome Party
Flyer on new Degree programme: BSc (Hons) in Mathematics and Economics
There are a couple of criticisms that I want to make for this particular letter.
When I first read the letter, I had skipped the third and fourth paragraph containing the details and information of the programme as I found it to be rather lengthy. It could be improved by making the two middle paragraphs more concise. For example, the phrases “where professors emphasize student-focused learning” and “some of which we can’t even define today” used in the fourth paragraph were not necessary. Inclusion of unnecessary phrases or details made the letter longer than it should be, thus possibly making the reader lose interest.
Secondly, in the last paragraph where it stated the follow-up action to be taken by me, that is, to respond to the invitation letter for the welcome party, it did not state by when I must reply. It should have clearly stated what I must do, and should have given a dateline for the reply.
However, other than these two criticisms, I find the letter to be generally well-written. It followed the standard format closely and it also employed all the strategies for writing a ‘good news’ message. All in all, it is a good business correspondence letter.
When I first read the letter, I had skipped the third and fourth paragraph containing the details and information of the programme as I found it to be rather lengthy. It could be improved by making the two middle paragraphs more concise. For example, the phrases “where professors emphasize student-focused learning” and “some of which we can’t even define today” used in the fourth paragraph were not necessary. Inclusion of unnecessary phrases or details made the letter longer than it should be, thus possibly making the reader lose interest.
Secondly, in the last paragraph where it stated the follow-up action to be taken by me, that is, to respond to the invitation letter for the welcome party, it did not state by when I must reply. It should have clearly stated what I must do, and should have given a dateline for the reply.
However, other than these two criticisms, I find the letter to be generally well-written. It followed the standard format closely and it also employed all the strategies for writing a ‘good news’ message. All in all, it is a good business correspondence letter.
posted by Faidah @ 7:29 PM
9 Comments:
At February 16, 2009 at 11:20 PM ,
kristin said...
Hi Faidah,
I agree that this letter is quite well written. All the 7Cs were adopted and the salutations included.
However, you mentioned that the first two paragraphs being lengthy, and not concise. But I feel the explanations and elaborations are needed, as this is a persuasive letter. In a persuasive letter, there is a need to elaborate on the main benefits of joining NTU, which in this case are the "excellent laboratory facilities " and all the different elaborations. They also need to stress on the positive results of accepting and studying in NTU.
The lengthy 3rd and 4th paragraphs are just strategies used by the writer to persuade you to join NTU.
Hope my comments are ok.
Kristin
At February 16, 2009 at 11:23 PM ,
Michelle Keong said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
At February 16, 2009 at 11:25 PM ,
Michelle Keong said...
Hi Faidah,
I do agree with you that this letter needs to be more straight to the point. Reading it reminds me of those promoters who keep talking non-stop about the great qualities of their product. In addition, most of the good points of SPMS shown seemed to be personal opinions and beliefs. Therefore, the concreteness of the letter needs improvements. Probably, they can select just 1 or 2 strong points and back them up with evidences or statistic. This will make the letter more convincing and concise.
Michelle Keong
At February 17, 2009 at 8:29 AM ,
Xiujun' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
At February 17, 2009 at 8:29 AM ,
Xiujun' said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
At February 17, 2009 at 8:31 AM ,
Xiujun' said...
Hi Faidah,
this letter is indeed a little lengthy and not precise. However, considering the purpose of the letter being a persuasive letter, it is quite normal for one to elaborate on the positive points of the company. It is only through describing how good they are, that they can persuade you to join them. Michelle made a good point that perhaps they can select one or two strongest points and back them up with statistics.
Overall, this letter is quite well-written and managed to convey what it wanted to. The format of the letter used was also alright with the correct punctuations used. =)
Cheers,
Xiujun
At February 17, 2009 at 6:49 PM ,
Hanrong said...
Hi Faidah,
Good points about the letter being to lengthy. Conciseness is important to sustain the reader’s attention. The paragraph about the strengths of SPMS sounds almost like a desperate marketing ploy. To provide the reader with more information, the letter could have referred to reader to the school’s website. Having a link to the official website will add concreteness to the letter. However, I must say that the writer certainly knows how to please by commending the reader’s “remarkable achievements”. Courtesy and compliments are important in a “good-news” letter. However, the writer should be careful not to overdo the congratulatory remarks to avoid sounding insincere or desperate to please.
Regards,
Hanrong
At February 18, 2009 at 11:21 PM ,
Siew Cheng said...
Hi Faidah,
I think the letter is very courteous and also certainly very pleasing for the reader to read as mentioned by Hanrong. There were so many compliments targeted to the reader and it made the whole issue sound really prestigious. Also, the language was great and the format was really formal.
I guess there's been different point of views as mentioned by other comments with regards to the lengthy paragraph 3 and 4. For me, I agree with you as well because, for the first time I read it, I too skipped it because it was just too lengthy and there were simply too much information. In addition, to give it more concreteness, the letter could have provided a link to feedback from previous students or potential employers on how great the course is.
Most importantly, I think the letter could be more concised.
That's all from me.
cheers,
siewcheng
At February 19, 2009 at 9:29 AM ,
Anonymous said...
Hi guys!
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it. =)
Thank you for pointing out to me that this is supposed to be a persuasive letter, and hence, justifying the lengthy paragraphs. However, I still believe that the letter should have been more concise in order to sustain the reader's interest.
Hanrong made a good point when suggesting that the author could have mentioned the link to the website so that readers can find out more about the course if they are interested.
Anyway, thanks again, guys. Have a good term break ahead!
Regards,
Faidah.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home